Tales from the Office Space: Complain about your coworkers

[tdood]

I work for a municipal sewer department. I have a treasure trove of material.

[TimK]

Was it the slutty type of unicorn onsie?

The torso wasn't quite as long as I would have liked. But mostly I think it was supposed to be fleece PJs.

This happened to me on a Duffman costume. Really bad Maneltoe

Moose Knuckle

[brkriete]

I worked with a guy who was crazy.

At the very least he had bipolar disorder and it was pretty obvious when he was in a manic phase ("I'm going to start riding my bike 20 miles to work every day!" lasted about three days. "I'm going to come in three hours early every day and study for the CFA!" lasted maybe a week). We used to get calls from his wife sometimes wondering if we knew where he was because he hadn't come home the night before - he'd go clubbing and then find some random person to crash with. He was obsessed with everyone's ethnicity, to the point where when he met someone knew he had to find out their heritage immediately. You could tell when he got a new person on the phone because he'd immediately launch into this spiel about how he was "ethnically Serbian but raised in Austria" and what were they?

He also spent his whole day chatting up the front office guys (I work in finance) instead of doing his work to the point where they complained to his boss and he was told he wasn't allowed to talk to them anymore. The nutty behavior outside of work eventually go to the point where his wife had him committed. He came back to work the next week and got fired. He spent the rest of the day just outside the lobby chatting up everyone he saw about if they had any job openings. That was definitely the most worried I've ever been about a workplace shooting....

[topfen]

He was obsessed with everyone's ethnicity, to the point where when he met someone knew he had to find out their heritage immediately. You could tell when he got a new person on the phone because he'd immediately launch into this spiel about how he was "ethnically Serbian but raised in Austria" and what were they?

That's actually a pretty typical thing for austrians. Don't know how crazy that guy was but I have been told by several people that came to austria as adults that they found it somewhat weird how we liked to try to find out about peoples origin, place of birth and family background pretty early on.

[jake]

There's a guy who always brushes his teeth around the time my mid-morning movement occurs. First off, it's really weird to be shitting and smelling minty fresh breath. Spearmint, I think. He also kinda listens. So he'll be going along like shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh and during the process of shitting, and he slows down the brushing to a shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh pace to, as it seems to me, explicitly listen to me shitting. Depending on dinner, there's a whole menagerie of turd sounds. Sometimes he happens to have brushed prior to my entry to the bathroom, and the minty smell remains. It's...disgusting.

We see each other in the morning and wave, and all I can think is "you're my unwanted shit companion, and I've got something for you."

[broseph]

Poop story

I laughed out loud three different times while reading this.

[Shane]

There's a guy who always brushes his teeth around the time my mid-morning movement occurs. First off, it's really weird to be shitting and smelling minty fresh breath. Spearmint, I think. He also kinda listens. So he'll be going along like shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh and during the process of shitting, and he slows down the brushing to a shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh pace to, as it seems to me, explicitly listen to me shitting. Depending on dinner, there's a whole menagerie of turd sounds. Sometimes he happens to have brushed prior to my entry to the bathroom, and the minty smell remains. It's...disgusting.

We see each other in the morning and wave, and all I can think is "you're my unwanted shit companion, and I've got something for you."

Verging on Riprotica. Lolz.

At my last workplace there was a lecturer or student who apparently squatted on the toilet, feet on seat, to shit. We surmised this due to (a) shoeprints on seat, and (b) large amounts of shit on seat - sometimes just an entry stripe where it hit the edge of the seat, sometimes the gift of a whole or partial shitlog. Possibly their aim was fucked or maybe were doing it intentionally. Either way I struggle understanding the mental state of a person who leaves a toilet cubicle with their turd casually sunning itself on the toilet seat.

On a less disturbing (though still disturbing) note: anyone ever been taking a dump while someone else is doing likewise in a cubicle nearby, and the combined solid & gaseous expulsion sounds are so ridiculously loud and hideous that you both start laughing? I was squirting and farting up a vile, vaporous storm of gastrointestinal ungodliness, and another guy was apparently shooting high-speed marbles from his ass like some kind of digestively distressed Alpaca: 'plop' 'plop' 'ploplopplopplopplop', fucking endlessly. Uncomfortable hilarity ensued. I left first because that's not the type of uncontrollable giggling you want to reminisce face-to-face about.

[cgeorg]

Both poop stories were great, but I laughed more at Shane's. Yeah, I've definitely had a co-laughing shit

[SJB]

There's a guy who always brushes his teeth around the time my mid-morning movement occurs. First off, it's really weird to be shitting and smelling minty fresh breath. Spearmint, I think. He also kinda listens. So he'll be going along like shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh and during the process of shitting, and he slows down the brushing to a shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh pace to, as it seems to me, explicitly listen to me shitting. Depending on dinner, there's a whole menagerie of turd sounds. Sometimes he happens to have brushed prior to my entry to the bathroom, and the minty smell remains. It's...disgusting.

We see each other in the morning and wave, and all I can think is "you're my unwanted shit companion, and I've got something for you."

Verging on Riprotica. Lolz.

At my last workplace there was a lecturer or student who apparently squatted on the toilet, feet on seat, to shit. We surmised this due to (a) shoeprints on seat, and (b) large amounts of shit on seat - sometimes just an entry stripe where it hit the edge of the seat, sometimes the gift of a whole or partial shitlog. Possibly their aim was fucked or maybe were doing it intentionally. Either way I struggle understanding the mental state of a person who leaves a toilet cubicle with their turd casually sunning itself on the toilet seat.

On a less disturbing (though still disturbing) note: anyone ever been taking a dump while someone else is doing likewise in a cubicle nearby, and the combined solid & gaseous expulsion sounds are so ridiculously loud and hideous that you both start laughing? I was squirting and farting up a vile, vaporous storm of gastrointestinal ungodliness, and another guy was apparently shooting high-speed marbles from his ass like some kind of digestively distressed Alpaca: 'plop' 'plop' 'ploplopplopplopplop', fucking endlessly. Uncomfortable hilarity ensued. I left first because that's not the type of uncontrollable giggling you want to reminisce face-to-face about.

I endured tears of laughter reading this.

[Allentown]

OMG. Awesome.
Office parking lots- where you learn who didn't pass their driving test on the first go. Sure in other parking lots you see lots of terrible parking, but at work you see the same cars somehow unable to get between the lines 4 days a week.

[broseph]

For some reason, only in the very early morning when there aren’t many cars in the lot, and you can’t identify the drivers because of the dark, everyone practices their back-in skills instead of just pulling into the spots.

Despite the practice, they all end up pulling forward and backward several times before settling on close enough.

For the record, I respect these people way more than the ones that just pull in half sideways the first time and call it good.

[TimK]

For the record, I respect these people way more than the ones that just pull in half sideways the first time and call it good.

That hurts man

[mouse]

I'm a manufacturing tech, which is a fancy way of saying I write the process for how to build things, supply the tooling to build those things to assembly lines, and don't get paid as much as people who ask me how to do things...

As such, I get lots of requests for custom tooling or odd-ball things operations might need...

The other day I got asked to make a filter bag for a Black & Decker dust-buster...


Not order a replacement... MAKE a replacement...

Also everyone around here is convinced I'm an IT department, though I have literally never serviced or supplied them with computers. I am however apparently the middle man that has to tell them they need to contact IT for that...

[iamsmu]

One of my adjuncts shaves in the bathroom, walks around muttering to himself, rocks back and forth making strange sounds at the urinal, comes into the side office via an adjoining suite so he doesn't have to walk through our area, leaves crumbs all over the shared desk, spilled a coffee trail coming out of the kitchen into the other department's area and back around to his side office, refuses to use our college email address even though he's been here for a decade . . . I really need to observe his teaching, but I'm pretty uncomfortable bringing it up. I can't imagine what his classes must be like . . . . He's never spoken to me, looked me in the eye, or acknowledged that I exist. I'll put it off until the fall.

[brkriete]

There's a guy who always brushes his teeth around the time my mid-morning movement occurs. First off, it's really weird to be shitting and smelling minty fresh breath. Spearmint, I think. He also kinda listens. So he'll be going along like shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh-a-shoosh and during the process of shitting, and he slows down the brushing to a shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh-aaaaa-shoooooooosh pace to, as it seems to me, explicitly listen to me shitting. Depending on dinner, there's a whole menagerie of turd sounds. Sometimes he happens to have brushed prior to my entry to the bathroom, and the minty smell remains. It's...disgusting.

We see each other in the morning and wave, and all I can think is "you're my unwanted shit companion, and I've got something for you."

We have a guy who brushes his teeth in the office several times a day. He brushes them after he eats his morning oatmeal, after lunch, and then probably again before he leaves. And not just a perfunctory "I have a meeting and don't want coffee breath" brushing. He spreads out his supplies - tooth paste, travel case for this brush, floss, travel size mouthwash - and just goes to town for a good five or ten minutes.

[Allentown]

and just goes to town for a good five or ten minutes.

Boss makes a dollar, I make 1/100 of a penny, that's why I clean my teeth on company property?

[simonrest]

I share a floor (and a bathroom) with another company. Their boss pees on the urinal, then goes into a stall, presumably to shit. I've never seen anyone else separate the tasks in this manner

[TimK]

I share a floor (and a bathroom) with another company. Their boss pees on the urinal, then goes into a stall, presumably to shit. I've never seen anyone else separate the tasks in this manner

A Real Man never pees sitting down. That's not how you get to be The Boss.

[Hiphopapotamus]

He was obsessed with everyone's ethnicity, to the point where when he met someone knew he had to find out their heritage immediately. You could tell when he got a new person on the phone because he'd immediately launch into this spiel about how he was "ethnically Serbian but raised in Austria" and what were they?

That's actually a pretty typical thing for austrians. Don't know how crazy that guy was but I have been told by several people that came to austria as adults that they found it somewhat weird how we liked to try to find out about peoples origin, place of birth and family background pretty early on.

You know what other Austrian was obsessed with people's ethnic origins?

[topfen]

He was obsessed with everyone's ethnicity, to the point where when he met someone knew he had to find out their heritage immediately. You could tell when he got a new person on the phone because he'd immediately launch into this spiel about how he was "ethnically Serbian but raised in Austria" and what were they?

That's actually a pretty typical thing for austrians. Don't know how crazy that guy was but I have been told by several people that came to austria as adults that they found it somewhat weird how we liked to try to find out about peoples origin, place of birth and family background pretty early on.

You know what other Austrian was obsessed with people's ethnic origins?

Who?