Fuck The World Log

[DCR]

^ I liked that. Shared it with some folks.

[CheekiBreekiFitness]

Deadlift 380lbs 1x1 + back offs 2x5 280lbs. Might be time to figure out what I'm going to do for programming alongside running. I will need more complex rep schemes in a little while. I want to be knocking on 405lbs 1x5 within a few months, which is a tall older given that I'm like 160lbs now.

Sometimes I see all the views this log has and wonder who reads this shit.

Me, for starters.

As I've gotten older I realize I'm nowhere near I'm as smart as I thought I was growing up and am actually close to intellectually disabled in a lot of respects

What is lacking is not your intellect, it's your self-esteem. You sound pretty intelligent to me, at least based on your writing skills and sense of humor.

[lheugh]

As I've gotten older I realize I'm nowhere near I'm as smart as I thought I was growing up and am actually close to intellectually disabled in a lot of respects.

I could have written that word for word. On the mental front, you and I are much alike - I've just been on that road a few more years. There's a twisted sense of comfort in constant self-deprecation isn't there? No matter what anyone says about you, no one hates you more than yourself. As such, no one else can really hurt you. It's a constant struggle, but taking the wins as they come (in any facet of existence). I'm an Absurdist at heart, and so I don't think there's any objective meaning to anything, but that is liberating in of itself. Make your meaning, even if it's an arbitrary lifting goal. It's all arbitrary right? You might find you hate yourself a little less when you do.

[EggMcMuffin]

Deadlift 385lbsx1 + 3x5 290lbs @ 160lbs (2.4BW pull!!!!)

I like to publicly vent about my insecurities, but I read a story the other day about some dude who got really badly abused at one of those Christian troubled teen camps which are pretty much just a front for fascistic pedophiles, serial killers and other sadistic freaks of nature (A certain Oklahoman whispers: "Bubba...I am Glow In The Dark smart") and how it made him basically literally overdose on steroids to cope with trauma of feeling weak and it wound up reminding of one of the reasons I still do this shit. I remember being a kid and being too weak to swing off the monkey bars. I don't know how or why that was the case. Maybe it was just poor nutrition and a lack of exercise? I spent way, way too much time as a kid basically playing video games (virtually all of my time in fact, which probably explains over half of my psychological maladies) and eating Cheetos.

Anyway, it's depressing thinking back to that experience and being laughed at by the other kids who were good at soccer and shit and had a tiny bicep bulge and realizing that that's where a lot of my self doubt comes from. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but even when I'm pulling warm ups I feel an intense trepidation and sometimes it even feels like I'm back there again, trying and failing to swing from the monkey bars and falling back on to the tan bark. I got bullied a lot too for being small and weak and frequently had teachers and students make fun of or point out how freakishly skinny I was. I remember after being expelled from highschool my alternative program was trying to order a gown for my graduation (which is in itself a really depressing story, read: I never got one) and the BITCH secretary was like, "well you're extremely thin, so we'll order the smallest size".

It's generally a bad idea to express sentiments like this in a country like the USA that tends to worship power and outright cruelty as a sort of test for social belonging, but I've never liked how much of being a man is bound up in being a violent, macho asshole.

Justin Lascek:

Manliness isn’t about raising boys to be men. It isn’t about having a subservient wife. It isn’t about de-feminizing a school system. It isn’t about owning and showing off guns and knives. It isn’t about being in combat. It isn’t about fighting other men. It isn’t refusing to wear a mask or receive a vaccination. And it certainly isn’t some ethos we are obligated to spread as gospel. It’s just a construct, and it’s different depending on who you ask.

Even still, I can't help but want to deadlift way more than the big ass dude at my job who was like, "you should have seen how strong I was in highschool!!!" to my other coworker. The raging, insipid insecurities of a tweedly, coke bottled glasses brooding freak, the sort of thing that hopefully congeals into a 500lb deadlift at 160lbs, a "look at me", as if it were a token that can be exchanged for a youth that does not bear the scars of life.

Integration is the name of the game, anti-derivate stories of trauma and shame notwithstanding. Learn your lessons and carry on.


Marathon training resumes tomorrow, inshallah

[houzi]

Sometimes I see all the views this log has and wonder who reads this shit.

Me. You write very well, and honestly I think a lot of people would find something in your posts that they can resonate with.
I hope you crush the marathon and your deadlift goals.

[MarkKO]

Deadlift 385lbsx1 + 3x5 290lbs @ 160lbs (2.4BW pull!!!!)

I like to publicly vent about my insecurities, but I read a story the other day about some dude who got really badly abused at one of those Christian troubled teen camps which are pretty much just a front for fascistic pedophiles, serial killers and other sadistic freaks of nature (A certain Oklahoman whispers: "Bubba...I am Glow In The Dark smart") and how it made him basically literally overdose on steroids to cope with trauma of feeling weak and it wound up reminding of one of the reasons I still do this shit. I remember being a kid and being too weak to swing off the monkey bars. I don't know how or why that was the case. Maybe it was just poor nutrition and a lack of exercise? I spent way, way too much time as a kid basically playing video games (virtually all of my time in fact, which probably explains over half of my psychological maladies) and eating Cheetos.

Anyway, it's depressing thinking back to that experience and being laughed at by the other kids who were good at soccer and shit and had a tiny bicep bulge and realizing that that's where a lot of my self doubt comes from. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but even when I'm pulling warm ups I feel an intense trepidation and sometimes it even feels like I'm back there again, trying and failing to swing from the monkey bars and falling back on to the tan bark. I got bullied a lot too for being small and weak and frequently had teachers and students make fun of or point out how freakishly skinny I was. I remember after being expelled from highschool my alternative program was trying to order a gown for my graduation (which is in itself a really depressing story, read: I never got one) and the BITCH secretary was like, "well you're extremely thin, so we'll order the smallest size".

It's generally a bad idea to express sentiments like this in a country like the USA that tends to worship power and outright cruelty as a sort of test for social belonging, but I've never liked how much of being a man is bound up in being a violent, macho asshole.

Justin Lascek:

Manliness isn’t about raising boys to be men. It isn’t about having a subservient wife. It isn’t about de-feminizing a school system. It isn’t about owning and showing off guns and knives. It isn’t about being in combat. It isn’t about fighting other men. It isn’t refusing to wear a mask or receive a vaccination. And it certainly isn’t some ethos we are obligated to spread as gospel. It’s just a construct, and it’s different depending on who you ask.

Even still, I can't help but want to deadlift way more than the big ass dude at my job who was like, "you should have seen how strong I was in highschool!!!" to my other coworker. The raging, insipid insecurities of a tweedly, coke bottled glasses brooding freak, the sort of thing that hopefully congeals into a 500lb deadlift at 160lbs, a "look at me", as if it were a token that can be exchanged for a youth that does not bear the scars of life.

Integration is the name of the game, anti-derivate stories of trauma and shame notwithstanding. Learn your lessons and carry on.


Marathon training resumes tomorrow, inshallah

That sounds somewhat familiar.

Shitty things that happen to us in childhood seem to have an almost disproportionate impact on how we function as adults.

The older I get the more I realise just how much my first 20 years shaped how I function on a very fundamental level, and it's something I'm very grateful to be aware of because it lets me address the aspects I perceive as noxious.

[CheekiBreekiFitness]

Deadlift 385lbsx1 + 3x5 290lbs @ 160lbs (2.4BW pull!!!!)

Strong deadlift, you're crushing it.

(...) but I've never liked how much of being a man is bound up in being a violent, macho asshole.

You're not alone, I find the macho crap detestable. It's all the more annoying that it seems to be prevalent amongst a certain crowd of people who also enjoy lifting and being muscular.

[lehman906]

Deadlift 385lbsx1 + 3x5 290lbs @ 160lbs (2.4BW pull!!!!)

I like to publicly vent about my insecurities, but I read a story the other day about some dude who got really badly abused at one of those Christian troubled teen camps which are pretty much just a front for fascistic pedophiles, serial killers and other sadistic freaks of nature (A certain Oklahoman whispers: "Bubba...I am Glow In The Dark smart") and how it made him basically literally overdose on steroids to cope with trauma of feeling weak and it wound up reminding of one of the reasons I still do this shit. I remember being a kid and being too weak to swing off the monkey bars. I don't know how or why that was the case. Maybe it was just poor nutrition and a lack of exercise? I spent way, way too much time as a kid basically playing video games (virtually all of my time in fact, which probably explains over half of my psychological maladies) and eating Cheetos.

Anyway, it's depressing thinking back to that experience and being laughed at by the other kids who were good at soccer and shit and had a tiny bicep bulge and realizing that that's where a lot of my self doubt comes from. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but even when I'm pulling warm ups I feel an intense trepidation and sometimes it even feels like I'm back there again, trying and failing to swing from the monkey bars and falling back on to the tan bark. I got bullied a lot too for being small and weak and frequently had teachers and students make fun of or point out how freakishly skinny I was. I remember after being expelled from highschool my alternative program was trying to order a gown for my graduation (which is in itself a really depressing story, read: I never got one) and the BITCH secretary was like, "well you're extremely thin, so we'll order the smallest size".

It's generally a bad idea to express sentiments like this in a country like the USA that tends to worship power and outright cruelty as a sort of test for social belonging, but I've never liked how much of being a man is bound up in being a violent, macho asshole.

Justin Lascek:

Manliness isn’t about raising boys to be men. It isn’t about having a subservient wife. It isn’t about de-feminizing a school system. It isn’t about owning and showing off guns and knives. It isn’t about being in combat. It isn’t about fighting other men. It isn’t refusing to wear a mask or receive a vaccination. And it certainly isn’t some ethos we are obligated to spread as gospel. It’s just a construct, and it’s different depending on who you ask.

Even still, I can't help but want to deadlift way more than the big ass dude at my job who was like, "you should have seen how strong I was in highschool!!!" to my other coworker. The raging, insipid insecurities of a tweedly, coke bottled glasses brooding freak, the sort of thing that hopefully congeals into a 500lb deadlift at 160lbs, a "look at me", as if it were a token that can be exchanged for a youth that does not bear the scars of life.

Integration is the name of the game, anti-derivate stories of trauma and shame notwithstanding. Learn your lessons and carry on.


Marathon training resumes tomorrow, inshallah

This resonated with me too, Egg. I was bullied some, but the core of this is after school basketball practice in 5th grade. It was shirts vs skins and I ran out into the hallway after a ball and a group of girls waiting for the bus started laughing. My logical brain knows (NOW) that they were most likely laughing out of surprise or something totally unrelated, but that's a formative core memory, so my insecurities are like "you have no power here, Gandalf GreyBrain." Been building armor ever since.

[EggMcMuffin]

I'm trapping 7~ minute miles on my shorter runs when I'm well recovered. Pretty cool. I keep losing weight because I'm usually too sad to and experiencing executive dysfunction makes such that I never cook. It doesn't help that everyone I live with frustrates any attempts to live a "productive" life. I'm probably gonna go back to being like 155lbs again. I saw how fucking thin I was at the orthodontist sitting in front of the big ass mirror he has in the lobby. It's weird how old I'm starting to look. Last time I was 155lbs at the age of 20ish looked like a child, now I just look like a small unattractive adult humanoid.

[EggMcMuffin]

390lbsx1 + 1-2x315lbs (idk I haven't finished working out while writing this)

Feel like shit, barely locked out the 390lbs. I'm surprised I still have this sort of power despite slowly turning back into a corpse due to so much running. 390lbs is like childs weight for anyone who takes this even semi seriously but lol...

Anyone who reads this slop will probably realize that I have spent literally years complaining about my poor mental health with little to no action, but one of my professors blew up on me last semester and his words keep resonating in my head about how I basically have no future if I keep doing what I'm doing. I'm not getting any younger and I think I've finally realized on a deep emotional level that if I continue to just like...do nothing that I'm going to be fucked. I wind up having to ask myself, "am I actually ready to die in probably the most depressing and stupid way possible?" and I'm never sure what the answer is. It sucks being stuck in a deep hole, especially when it's been over a decade of this on and off now. I wish life were simpler and were more just like running or lifting weights where you can just turn your brain off and plug away at it mindlessly and get somewhere but nothing is that simple.

edit: also driving stick for the last three months appears to be giving me knee problems, wtf

[Hardartery]

390lbsx1 + 1-2x315lbs (idk I haven't finished working out while writing this)

Feel like shit, barely locked out the 390lbs. I'm surprised I still have this sort of power despite slowly turning back into a corpse due to so much running. 390lbs is like childs weight for anyone who takes this even semi seriously but lol...

Anyone who reads this slop will probably realize that I have spent literally years complaining about my poor mental health with little to no action, but one of my professors blew up on me last semester and his words keep resonating in my head about how I basically have no future if I keep doing what I'm doing. I'm not getting any younger and I think I've finally realized on a deep emotional level that if I continue to just like...do nothing that I'm going to be fucked. I wind up having to ask myself, "am I actually ready to die in probably the most depressing and stupid way possible?" and I'm never sure what the answer is. It sucks being stuck in a deep hole, especially when it's been over a decade of this on and off now. I wish life were simpler and were more just like running or lifting weights where you can just turn your brain off and plug away at it mindlessly and get somewhere but nothing is that simple.

edit: also driving stick for the last three months appears to be giving me knee problems, wtf

390 is more than 2x bodyweight for you, that's not nothing. For perspective, that's more than 550 lbs for me to be at the same multiplier. We all die in a stupid and depressing way, death is stupid an depressing, the trick is to do something to get some modicum of fulfillment on the way even if it doesn't matter to anyone but you.

[DCR]

390lbs is like childs weight for anyone who takes this even semi seriously but lol...

Stfu.

edit: also driving stick for the last three months appears to be giving me knee problems, wtf

Been there. Gotta move the seat up such that you’re pushing the clutch with as close to your heel as possible. Pushing through toes or anywhere up there is Knee AIDS City.

[Culican]

390lbsx1 + 1-2x315lbs (idk I haven't finished working out while writing this)

Feel like shit, barely locked out the 390lbs. I'm surprised I still have this sort of power despite slowly turning back into a corpse due to so much running. 390lbs is like childs weight for anyone who takes this even semi seriously but lol...

Anyone who reads this slop will probably realize that I have spent literally years complaining about my poor mental health with little to no action, but one of my professors blew up on me last semester and his words keep resonating in my head about how I basically have no future if I keep doing what I'm doing. I'm not getting any younger and I think I've finally realized on a deep emotional level that if I continue to just like...do nothing that I'm going to be fucked. I wind up having to ask myself, "am I actually ready to die in probably the most depressing and stupid way possible?" and I'm never sure what the answer is. It sucks being stuck in a deep hole, especially when it's been over a decade of this on and off now. I wish life were simpler and were more just like running or lifting weights where you can just turn your brain off and plug away at it mindlessly and get somewhere but nothing is that simple.

edit: also driving stick for the last three months appears to be giving me knee problems, wtf

When I was 28 I was working in a bank as a teller. This was before the ATM/Direct deposit era so I got to see how crappy my pay was compared to all of the people working for the Aerospace/Defense companies every Friday when they deposited their paychecks. Three weeks after my 29th birthday I quit and moved from the area where I was born (Los Angeles) to the SF Bay Area. That changed everything.

You have plenty of time but you do have to make some type of change (not necessarily moving). I'm thinking you probably will too. People tend to make changes at the ends of their decades, ~29yo, 39yo, 49yo, etc.

[mouse]

more than 2x bodyweight for you,

Was gonna say he likes to talk about "fat" he is but he's actually not... 2x BW deads for me are roughly ~520 right now which is coincidentally right around what I was working with Tuesday and it wasn't exactly "flying" up so...

Give yourself some credit there Mr Muffs... I'm not running marathons...

[EggMcMuffin]

Was supposed to be an 18 miler yesterday, ran 17 instead. Training has resumed and marathon is only like 3 weeks out or so. Not sure if I'm ready but 17 miles already feels like an absolutely ridiculous distance to run. The workout after next week ends with a 20 miler, which is like literally running around one end of the Bay Area to the other, which is fucking insane because like a lot of people say post marathon "I don't even want to drive 26.2 miles, let alone run them...".

I don't think I want to do another one of these for a very long time. The training is becoming less and less fun and I am perpetually exhausted, and my mental health has been getting a lot worse due to life stressors in general. I woke up today feeling like I got hit by a car. I just want to sleep all day and mental healthcare in this country is sort of a joke so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It feels like I just need a long break or something but everything that is bothering me will still exist at the end of it all. Everything kinda sucks right now. Funnily enough, I used to feel like the onset of winter brightened my mood because of how I didn't have to deal with stifling heat anymore but the perpetual darkness just makes me feel sad now. lmao

[EggMcMuffin]

Twenty miler tomorrow, last big run before I run the marathon. Will I survive?!

[MarkKO]

Twenty miler tomorrow, last big run before I run the marathon. Will I survive?!

Yes. Also I suspect at some point during and maybe after you will wish otherwise.

[JimRiley]

Twenty miler tomorrow, last big run before I run the marathon. Will I survive?!

Yes. Also I suspect at some point during and maybe after you will wish otherwise.

Perhaps so! In any event, I wouldn't attach much importance to how the 20-miler goes. Since you've already done runs as long as 17 miles (maybe longer by now?), this one is basically icing on the cake. If it feels good, enjoy it but don't go overboard - you don't want to use up your race effort a week early! But if it feels lousy, don't worry about it. Races can go great after not-so-great training sessions, and vice versa.

[MarkKO]

Twenty miler tomorrow, last big run before I run the marathon. Will I survive?!

Yes. Also I suspect at some point during and maybe after you will wish otherwise.

Perhaps so! In any event, I wouldn't attach much importance to how the 20-miler goes. Since you've already done runs as long as 17 miles (maybe longer by now?), this one is basically icing on the cake. If it feels good, enjoy it but don't go overboard - you don't want to use up your race effort a week early! But if it feels lousy, don't worry about it. Races can go great after not-so-great training sessions, and vice versa.

My experience in powerlifting is similar. I tend to get a bit nervous is everything goes well in the last month leading into a meet because usually when that happens, the meet doesn't go well. If there are a few bumps along the way, different story. I've had my best meets follow horrible peaks.

[EggMcMuffin]

I feel like something deep and profound changed within me during this run. I don't know what it is and lack the sort of literary chops and don't really even understand myself or my own life well enough to describe it even if I was cognizant of what this nebulous "change" consisted of, but I felt a switch flipping. Something is cooking. Something is brewing, little steam vent on the teapot screaming.

I think Strava bugged around 13 miles so I'm not sure this was actually 22.4 miles, but I know it at the very least closer to twenty by re-tracing my route it was closer to 19.5 give or take, but I think if I was razor precise in re-tracing it on a map it probably adds up to an even twenty, since I did a distance I KNOW to be two miles before setting off in the direction for two cities over, which put me 18 miles away from home at the end. I waited too long to do this run (I planned to do it during the daytime, but being the insane person that I am started at 7PM) and it ended up being kinda sketchy towards the end since a lot of the route was D E S O L A T E at night (and I saw someone clearly impersonating a police officer along the way...) and it was also like 42 degrees outside by the end.

I don't know. 20 miles is honestly a crazy distance to run, and I'm going to add another six to that in two weeks. Towards the end it occurred to me that I had been running for almost THREE hours, and had covered an amount of distance that I don't even like to drive, let alone run, and by the end arriving at my destination the enormity of what I had done really hit me. I literally ran two cities over, and in California that is like...a lot. I saw a lot of shit. I felt a lot of things. It was weird, man.

Also, running is definitely MUCH more difficult than lifting. Even walking around today I still feel sort of winded. It's weird, because at least to me it seems that once you hit a certain level of cardiovascular fitness you're no longer huffing and puffing by the end, rather, an enormous crash of fatigue hits you an hour later and you genuinely feel like you've been hit by a bus. Joints feel all weird, your legs feel like you've pulled your 1RM deadlift for a set of five, and you becoming overcome with an overwhelming, RAVENOUS desire for sleep. Luckily the pain other than just getting weird and winded easily isn't as bad as it was after the 17 miler. I think I remembered to keep my chest up and chin in during this run so it prevented a lot of soreness that I get when I start to slouch from exhaustion.


I don't think I'm doing another marathon for a long while after this. It takes up too much of your time and you start to feel a little unhinged towards the end.


I don't know if I'll go back to "seriously" lifting either. I've realized I really, genuinely love running, in a way that I didn't with weightlifting. I love picking heavy shit up but running always feels much more profound to me, especially after long or especially taxing workouts. I don't know if it's because I spent a lot of my life just sitting in front of a computer screen, but there's something in just covering long ass distances outside that really does something for me that benching or deadlifting doesn't do for me.